2018 is already not a year of 'woo hoo' moments - oh sure, there are many, they just aren't my focal point right now...
In January I reached out to a couple local animal rescues.
One gave me the runaround and several reasons why they weren't able to respond and ultimately directed me to reach out to a different person in the organization with my desire to volunteer with them. I did - and have heard nothing back.
The other is a much larger agency, I participated in the mandatory information evening and was told the coordinator would contact me the next day. I waited a couple of days then sent an inquiry as to what the next step would be? In a week or so, I received the link to filling out what I would be interested in doing there as a volunteer - answered the questions, selected my top three choices and waited, again...
When at last I heard from them, it was for something brand new, they created 'just for me' and after bantering back and forth via email, finally I connected with a human being on the phone and everything started to move along quickly. I went for my interview, signed on the dotted line and even went the next night for mandatory training.
And then waited, again...
With my 'real job' coming to an end, I thought I best reach out to this agency to let them know that I AM AVAILABLE to start my volunteering...
The response was that someone else would be getting in touch with me about that... so another week passed, and I reached out one more time and was given the following response yesterday - they have passed my info onto yet another person, who will likely contact me in the next couple of weeks - this is because they are short staffed. I replied to that with a heavy sigh, and let them know I am looking for WORK and would be happy to assist with their shortage...
Of course, I received nothing about my desire to WORK for them and at this point I'm re-evaluating the whole idea of volunteering...
When a person wants to volunteer that says - I like your organization and I am willing to assist you, on my time, and even pay for my gas to get to your place so I can do this for you. I don't want your money, I really just want to feel good while doing something to help your place thrive a little more....
What has this 'feels like rejection' done to my fragile self-esteem??
Believe it or not, being put off yesterday (yet again) by this agency was the straw that broke this camels back and strained my confidence leaving me feeling completely useless (and yes, I know it is not true, but that's what it did and how I felt).
It was as though I had been kicked when I was already down and now I'm not even able to muster a shit to give.
This morning when I got up, after struggling to find some escape in dreamland (minimal and interrupted) I still felt empty.
I thought, maybe this is a really clean slate - I can rebuild me if only I could think of something that I want to create for myself. I sat in silence and tried to revisit some dusty old dreams that I've held onto for years. Asking myself where do I long to go - to what place can I imagine living where I will reinvent myself? I have no reason to stay here and wither away, I might as well go where at least I can enjoy the scenery while I get old...
I don't like this.
OH - FOCUS ON THE GOOD AND THE GOOD WILL COME TO YOU!
Nah, it's really all about luck and good timing and connections.
Just like winning the lottery, the odds of getting what you want in life are the same.
If my numbers are the same as the one's generated in the lotto draw, I win; if my resume happens to be chosen by an employer to review, I stand a chance of getting the job. Loving someone doesn't mean they will love you back; being loving doesn't mean sweet F-A in this life.
I have accomplished four amazing feats in my life, and that's like winning the lottery four times! And, I have gotten a lot of what I want in life, including jobs I wanted and the opportunity to deeply love someone who deeply loved me back.
But I'm a little funky and a little down and I have a clean slate.
Soon I'll be ready to plan my next adventure...
Maybe I'll start by winning the lottery...